on a very special episode Al Bundy raises his hand in anger against an uncaring god. we are in the Bundy house and there is a wrestling ring in place of the couch. Hulk Hogan appears to great applause as the audience, drunk on their own power, hoot like Arsenio Hall. The Hulk climbs the ropes of the ring and pile drives into a giant Big Mac, spray its contents into the crowd. the camera is covered in grease and the crowd licks all the special sauce from their faces. the twin towers stand intact. Steve Urkel does The Carlton. Stefan Urquelle does The Bartman.
now Al and Peggy are in the kitchen trading barbs. he says, “i hate my life.” she says, “i hate your life too.” they say this to each other every 30 seconds.
there’s a commotion in the backyard. santa has jumped from a plane and landed in the yard. every day santa dies here. this is when Al has to put on the santa costume — now more a uniform — and do his hohohos for the audience. the blood-splattered costume is ill-fitting. He goes to the audience and asks, “what do you want for christmas little audience.”
the audience always says the same thing. in unison they say, “we want to be real. we want to matter in your world.” but the audience is always naughty and they never get what they want and the twin towers stand intact.
First published in Hearth and Coffin